For parents whose child struggles to fit in, is being bullied, or is shy and timid.

INSPIRE - TEACH - BUILD

This is a practical and proven method for parents to solve their individual challenges to help improve their child's confidence, concentration, courage, drive, behavior, attitude, and so much more!

Note: This is Part 2 in a free four-part training series. Part 1 (Confidence Secrets) is here, Part 3 (Make Confidence Stick) is here, and Part 4 (Parent-Coach Master Builder) is here.

Part 2 of 4

By: Jason Froehlich, Martial Arts Master, Cognitive Coach, and Author

To you this might sound foreign or it may sound obvious, and yet it can be a radically new perspective that changes your world...hopefully for the better. At least that is my intention with this manifesto.

So, let’s go forth and unpack some factors that I didn’t cover in part one of this manifesto. These factors will be critical to understanding the pieces that are needed to repair your child’s self-confidence, self-esteem, or self-image...or to just keep building it stronger if you are reading for that purpose. 

Let’s get going...

“There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing” - Aristotle. This Greek sage wasn’t wrong, but it sure is easier said than done.

If there is one thing we try to avoid in life, it’s criticism. No one likes it and it tends to hurt your pride. Avoidance is a key trait that we seem to all be hardwired with. If it’s going to hurt, we avoid it at all costs - we learn this singular driving force early in life. But, pain and a little bit of discomfort are part of the process if we are going to reach our potential. So, is criticism killing confidence? Is it the evil force?

The first group of creators I spoke about in the first part of this manifesto seem to be immune to criticism. They seem to just let it roll off their back. It’s us in this second group that need a little bit of strengthening to help us understand how to manage criticism - we take it personal, not as helpful. 

There is this growing movement in the education system for the “growth mindset” and teaching kids to learn how to do their best at things. This movement is great and works well on children who have been subject to unconstructive criticism. But, it is highly encouraged that all criticism be removed from the classroom. So, it’s becoming the norm for schools to only encourage rather than give students an opportunity to learn how to cope or deal with constructive criticism.

Teachers aren’t to blame here because the school systems are getting pressure from parents and districts to teach kids in the growth mindset way. Nothing wrong with this, but misinterpreted even by the author Carol Dweck's account. So, they have to tiptoe around and just move them through without really challenging (read: correcting) them to find their inner strength.  

Let me be clear here, first, the school systems don’t have the resources to deliver this method on a wide scale. Second, they don’t have the ability to teach this to staff on a recurring basis. And, third, some teachers don’t believe it’s their job to teach coping skills.

Therefore, managing your child’s fears around criticism is left up to you which at times seems impossible. But, it is much easier to do if you have a point of reference to start from and a base of knowledge that guides you to build your child into a powerful force. 

You can do this...I’m sure of it. Just stick to the message, the lessons, and let them develop the skill set of this at their own pace. 

To give you the frame of reference, I’m going to unwrap all of this by first explaining it from the beginning so you can have a foundation to see how criticism is NOT the evil force destroying your child’s confidence, certainty, or courage.

The evil force is DOUBT. 

And just like fear, there are parts to this to make it easier to manage. I have four parts which I call The 4 C’s of Doubt:

Like part one, I will use a point of inflection to help break each one down into bite size chunks we can chew and swallow for easy digestion.

Doubt is one of those things we just don’t give much thought to, but kills more dreams, thoughts, inventions, and greatness than all the wars combined in the world. 

Doubt comes from a perfectionist attitude, so let’s look at each of these inflection points under those presumptions. 

Inflection point #1 & 2 - Competing and comparing go together like evil twins masterminding against your child and destroying all the good that comes from taking risks, learning new things, and being themselves. Looking at the first one, competing, we think competition is good, and it should be. There are many great lessons that come from competing. But, when competing turns dark is when we compare and size ourselves up to someone else. When we compete against them to prove we are better, more talented, or smarter. That usually manifests into laying blame on the fact that we aren’t as good as someone else because we don’t compare up to their level if we lose.

Do you see how this becomes a psychological war being raged in your child’s mind? It quickly spins out of control. But, with each child being different and unique they handle it in different ways. Some aren’t too destructive and others become very destructive.

The crucial factor is to give them the skills and techniques to power through the negative self-talk that is happening in their mind. If you do this with practiced “drills” and role-playing type patterning you can teach them how to have a different experience with competing. With an emphasis on practice you can reshape their mind to see how to compare themselves to only one person - themself. 

Teaching them how to evaluate their performance only based on their previous performance and letting them solve how to manage it and what outcomes they get is best. This doesn’t mean you don’t challenge them. You must challenge them in order for them to earn confidence and grow. 

Inflection point #3 - Self-criticism feeds doubt like a hungry monster. All too many times, I hear children being WAY too hard on themselves, they thought they would be perfect the first time trying. It is good to push, challenge, make it tough, but at what expense? There is a balance to this and a tipping point that when you get right it all comes together like a beautiful plan. The personal key here is to teach them how to cope with criticism...and self-criticism - by turning it into a helpful piece of the process. 

You want your child to be something and do great things in life, so criticism is going to be par for the course. They will never be able to avoid it; therefore, it isn’t your job to totally eliminate it from your child’s life. That isn’t practical or realistic.

Give them the encouragement to take criticism and make it their ally. Reshape their mind by reframing the message to deliver a different story or experience they have with whatever critical matter is being delivered to them. 

Doing this will bring out the champion and leader in your child.

Inflection point #4 - We want to control our outcomes to deliver the greatest chance of success. But, defining success is really subjective. So, let me share a different viewpoint with you that has worked wonders for improving my chances of turning a child’s confidence around in the matter of a thirty minute session.

I really don’t have any expectations of a child when I begin teaching them. I simply want to discover their point of reference and their world view. Without it, I can’t begin to shape anything. I have to first see what I’m working with. I am not trying to control anything, I am trying to help the child find the path that makes sense for them. You can plant a peach tree seed and nurture it, but you can’t control much else beyond that. It will still grow and produce peaches, not apples.

My point is you have to provide the set of tools for your child to learn how to let go of control. It only feeds the monster of doubt. They can give their best effort, work hard, and be persistent, but there are still factors that are out of their control. We must learn to understand them and view them in a positive way to move forward in a good way. 

None of this was meant to be easy, it was meant to be worth it. 

When they learn to earn it, the title of confidence will be theirs forever.

Your child’s confidence is critical to their growth, but criticism will just be part of the process. Teach them how to view criticism as a helpful hand and how to give themselves a little grace, and you’ll feed their confidence the rest of their life. 

If you put the work in now, stay persistent, and let them figure this thing out on their own, they will rise to the occasion, I assure you of that. It is amazing to see, and I know you will see it too.  

If this was powerful for you then, I’m going to share something with you that will change the game in the third part.

We are creators. Each of us take our steps in life toward fulfilling our destiny. There seems to me some “force” pulling us toward our potential and reaching it to become something.

Teach your child The Mindset Method that creates a winning environment for them to manage challenges, adversity, or overcome any setback.

Get your child excited about the learning process, watch them cultivate any skill, ability, or talent, and stay motivated to work hard at any subject or activity.

Learn if The Mindset Method is right for your child in this video...

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