I have to admit that I learned this lesson the hard way. And, it hurt! The guilt and shame I felt after hearing the critical words come out of my mouth only fueled the feeling of destructiveness in me.
That’s right…I thought I was changing the world and teaching life lessons that would last a lifetime.
I wasn’t! I was only building resentment, more fear, and a greater sense of doubt in my youth student’s mind. And, I knew I needed to make a change and do things differently if I wanted to impact a child’s mind and masterfully build them to reach their potential.
The only way to do that is to first fully understand the psychology of learning – this was my first step. You can study all you want about this from Abraham Maslow, so I am not going to bore you to tears with the science.
What I had to come to understand is that a young individual is NOT in the same learning stages as I am. And, it goes much deeper than this. NOT every young individual will develop through the different stages of learning at the same speed as anyone else.
The “bad” news is some will take longer and some will get it right away. The “good” news is that EVERYONE goes through the same stages. No one is exempt from stage one and everyone will get to stage four through time.
The amount of time needed to move through the different stages is the only thing that separates one individual from the other. The amount of time needed for any level of skill development (no matter the skill – and focus, confidence, leadership, etc. are all skills just like jumping or running) will depend on the level of desire within the child, teen, or anyone at any age has at any given time.
This leaves us with having to know that there are four stages of learning and everyone (no matter their age) starts in stage one. This stage is the level where you don’t know that you don’t know. You are not conscious that you are unaware of this “new” skill.
Okay…enough of the boring stuff. Phew!
So, you want to build your child, but you want them to get it RIGHT NOW! Correct? Yes, we all do. What is the first thing that happens when they don’t seem to be getting what you want them to understand?
That’s right…become critical! Tell them what they are doing wrong because they should know how to do it right. That’s what I did for way too long.
If you bought into the old way then you shouted critical words of discouragement, or worse you belittled them because they didn’t get it right. I just saw resentment build and fear fueled when I did this.
How to change the habit and reverse all the destructiveness created from this old way. The first step I had to understand was that everyone learns at different paces and that your child is going to be in stage one for some time. My experience has shown that stage one of learning, the part where you are going to have to teach them over and over again, will take anywhere from 3-7 years.
And, you might be saying NO WAY am I going to keep showing them how to clean up their toys for 7 years. I get it…I understand that you don’t want to do this.
What did you do over a lifetime to get to the place where you are now? You built a habit, correct?
That’s right. So, building a powerful child is about understanding that the process is more important than the outcome. The process is about building their habits and encouraging them along the way rather than criticizing them about the things they do wrong, forget, or lose focus on. Why?
Because NO ONE likes to be criticized or have someone point out their faults or wrong doings. You don’t, I don’t, no one does. Do we need to be corrected and learn from what we do? Yes.
So, the second step is building their confidence and shattering their fear of making a mistake or failing. Being overly critical fuels the notion of perfection or having to be perfect. I’m not perfect, you aren’t perfect, no one is perfect. The only thing that is perfect in life is timing. It only gives us as much as we can handle at any given time.
Trying to be perfect or thinking your child is perfect or trying to make them perfect creates a fixed mindset that is paranoid with the fear of making a mistake or failing at something. I will briefly outline the six fears that we all go through, but you can read about it in more detail in another post.
The Six FEARS We All Have To Conquer:
- Unknown
- Mistake
- Failing
- Foolish
- Judged
- Rejection
Fueling a fixed mindset with critical words only builds the fear of making a mistake or failing to the point where the young individual will not RISK stepping outside their comfort zone or getting through the first stage of learning because they fear the harsh words of judgment. They simply are frozen in fear.
To combat this and build them into powerful kids who will realize their true potential and have no fear searching and discovering who they are meant to be is all about using ENCOURAGEMENT.
Encouragement is about teaching them that they don’t have to compete with anyone else, compare themselves to anyone else, and simply to just give it their best. As a parent, coach, or teacher (and you’ll be their first and last teacher) teaching them to do their best doesn’t have to be about a perfect grade or a gold medal. To just have them do their best is the first step in allowing them to move effortlessly through stage one of the learning process.
This allows them to continue building the “growth” mindset and fuels their desire to keep on stepping out of their comfort zone and search for ways to keep improving. It also begins to shatter their fears and doubts they are faced with. It motivates them to have the desire to reach their full potential in anything and everything they do.
So, my encouragement to you is to find a way to encourage your child by letting them know you just want them to do their best and that you don’t have any expectations of how that outcome will be. Whatever the outcome is it will be exactly what is needed at that moment in time – it will be their lesson no matter what that lesson is. Whatever they get, find the positive in it and praise them for that.
Your patience with them during this stage one of learning about themselves and your encouragement will fuel love – which is respect and trust. It is what we all seek in life…they do too.
I would love to hear any discoveries you have made as well…leave a comment; I would love to read it.
All the best, Master Jason Froehlich